Greetings,
Well, I did not eat vegetarian today, but I did eat mindfully. I didn't overeat. I made a relatively normal breakfast for my honey and I, with egg sandwiches and microwave bacon (recently discovered! GREAT discovery! It's so easy to make, only takes about 25 seconds to cook, and it's so thinly sliced and non-greasy - at least when compared with normal bacon - that it only works out to about 70 calories for 4 slices!) We actually ate these pretty late, around 10:30 this morning, so we just kind of skipped right over lunch. I nibbled on some grapes and then made dinner kind of early in the evening, using ground turkey instead of ground beef and saving a lot of fat in the process. I had one serving and I did not overeat. I'm pretty proud about that.
I'm proud of my honey too. He's still sick, and I'm sure he would have loved to have spent a third day in bed. But I really thought that it would be good for him to stay up as much as possible today - to kind of take a stand with this thing and try to have as normal a day as he could while taking it easy. He really needs to work tomorrow. He's already missed one day with this thing - and it was a day when he would have made time and a half pay, so that hurt. And it sucks even more because everyone in the house was sick with this last month already and we really don't need round 2 of it. His case was milder than some of ours so maybe that's why he got it again. I just hope I don't. I've had ENOUGH.
One thing I rediscovered with him spending two days in bed sick, is that I really miss my "me time." The ex and I have made a practice of largely ignoring each other for quite a number of years. It wasn't hostile in any way. Mostly it's that we weren't really in love - so we didn't have that whole "need to be romantic together THING" - and we are both pretty introverted, so we would just naturally get lost in our own activities although we were generally still in each other's presence - usually sharing an office while on different computers.
My honey, though, he and I are definitely in love. And after all the time we spent apart (I guess I really need to fill you all in on our story at some point) we treat our time together as something that is just about on par with sacred. Yes, we will spend time with us each doing our own thing on the computer - but we also want to spend time together. Often it is watching one of our favorite shows. Or it's sharing favorite movies with each other. Or often, it's talking, or reading together, or having adventures out in the world. Whatever we do, we have a lot of fun and focus a lot of attention on each other.
I love it. I really and truly do. He is the love of my life and although I've never believed in them before, I also think he could very well be my "split-apart" - my true spirit half. I do not regret spending my time with him. I waited 30 years for him, after all!
But, I also really need to find a way for me time. After all, it's not just him making demands on my time. I also have the ex that loves to talk with me throughout the day. And my daughter that I love so much. And various friends that always seem to want or need my attention. And I love all of them dearly and want to be there for them. So I tend to, all too often, drop whatever it is I'm doing to focus on them. And while that's all fine and well, it also means that I don't get enough time to just BE and to focus on my own pursuits. And THAT sucks. I need to find a way to get the me time I need without apology or feeling guilty about it.
For example, yesterday at the grocery store my friend A. called me. She is my spirit sister and matters very much to me. But lately, she's called practically on a daily basis because she was dealing with a pretty serious crisis in her life. And now she has a man in her life that is becoming a romantic interest - her first in years - and she is just kind of going bat shit over that. So she called me while I was in the store, so she could yak yet again about this guy. I answered because she matters to me and it might have been important. But it was an intrusion. I was shopping. And on the phone with her, I couldn't see my grocery list I had put in my phone. Fortunately, I remembered everything I needed and was off the phone before hitting the check out stand, but still.
So today, just as I had sat down to eat the above mentioned egg sandwich and bacon this morning, she called again. She was having a possible health crisis. Wanted my support and wanted me to look up something on the internet for her. So I put my food aside and looked things up and talked her through but I can't say I wasn't a bit resentful about it. I was. But what do you do? I mean, she needed me. She was scared and alone and I am her closest friend. So I got off the line with her and I ate and I spent time with my honey and because it was the first day in three that he's been up and around, I focused on him and I sat here watching shows with him pretty much all day. We are working our way (Netflix) the seasons of Sex and the City (me sharing with him - just started season 2) and Northern Exposure (him sharing with me - just started season 3) and we watched both discs we had sitting here today. That's - count them - SIX episodes of Sex and the City and FOUR episodes of Northern Exposure. And it was fun and enjoyable and he managed to stay up all day and we had a nice time together. And of course, in that time we were also doing laundry and talking and I made dinner and we ate. Still...that's a LOT of TV watching today. And when I'm doing that, I can't write. I can't really even have an independent thought. And A. also called back again after having a doctor appointment to let me know how it went.
Tonight, just as I started to write, another friend who is dear to me sent me some pictures. This woman is a KICK ASS photographer, and she sent me pictures she's feeling very "chesty" about. She also texted me to see what I was doing. She loves to share her pictures with me. I appreciate her artist's eye and relate to it in a way that most in her life don't. So she really loves sharing her work with me and I love seeing it. And we spend time talking about it and we often see the same interesting things in the pictures. It's great fun. But...I had just started writing. And I need time for me too, damn it. I matter too. My desire to write matters too. My goals matter too. I can't only be there for other people all the time.
It's hard to not feel guilty about it though.
Okay - tomorrow I HAVE to work from 11 to 2 pm. My honey works 9:30 to 5:00, so he'll be leaving here around 9. I would really like to work on my book tomorrow but I just don't see that happening. Especially since I need to start working on some legal paperwork. What will most likely happen is that I will get him off to work and then talk to P, my photographer friend - if she can talk that early - and see these pictures she's so chesty about. And then I'll work my three hour shift. And then I'll work another of my jobs for at least an hour. And then I'll work on legal paperwork for an hour or two. And then it will be time to fix dinner. And then eat. And be there for my honey since he may not be doing so good after having to work sick. And before I know it, the evening will be over and I'll have to head to bed and maybe I will have gotten to do some writing and maybe not. Maybe I'll get to get some exercise in and maybe not. It really is a struggle, though. It's a situation I really need to get more of a handle on.
Maybe I should just keep a journal for a week or two - you know, kind of like a food diary. But this one would just state what I am doing with my time each hour of the day - for my own information. I think Google has some sort of program I can do that with. I knew the name of it at one point. Hmmm...damn, I just searched and I am not coming up with it. But no matter, I can just write it down in notepad and then make it into a spreadsheet if I want to. I think that it's time that I analyze this situation better. Time to put my OCD self to work. lol
Wish me luck with THAT.
Goodnight. :)
Monday, March 5, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
An Almost-Vegetarian Day
Well, today was pretty cool. :) Well, okay, not quite cool since my honey was sick in the bed for the second day with some hard hitting case of the flu. His second clash with it in a month. I feel bad for him. Hoping tomorrow he will feel a bit better.
But - it was a cool day in another way. This was an almost vegetarian day.
Me and my honey live with my ex and our daughter. I know that it will sound odd to most people out there. After all, we live in a world where, if you want to divorce someone, it must mean that you can't stand that person. How on earth could you continue to share a home with them, let alone have a NEW relationship with someone else right in front of them? But my ex and I have always been friends first - and we care deeply about each other in that way. We want each other to be happy. He really likes my fiance. They get along great. And my daughter gets to live in a harmonious situation with laughter and love and both of her parents present and getting along great. So don't even think about judging it. ;)
Since my honey was in bed sick this morning, and the rest of us all needed to run to the store for various reasons, we headed out this morning together. We decided to get a bite to eat at Golden Corral first so we didn't overspend at the store by going there hungry. It was still breakfast when we arrived - about an hour away from lunch.
I looked around at all the breakfast offerings and then I opted for an omelet with spinach, tomato, mushroom and cheese. It was DELICIOUS! I had some hash browns with it and some very very under-ripe cantaloupe - so disappointing.
I was still hungry so I went back up and at that point, the fried chicken caught my eye and I couldn't help myself. Not healthy, I know, but it was just one piece, along with a small portion of mashed potatoes and some corn. No dessert. That was tough though. That chocolate cream pie was screaming at me.
We went to the store after and I got some Morningstar Farms Buffalo Wings, which I haven't tried yet. I also got some Morningstar Farms Crumbles, spaghetti sauce, spaghetti, cheesy garlic bread, and a few other things we needed. Like dog food. My puppies were about to be hungry puppies. (Not really puppies but they are little dogs and just over a year old, so...you know. :) )
I made the spaghetti tonight. The ex and my honey both knew it wasn't real meat. My ex is a really picky eater, but he dealt with it. My honey has eaten a lot of vegetarian food since his sons are vegetarian and vegan respectively. He thought it was delicious. So did I. My daughter seemed to like it too, and she was the only one that may or may not have realized that it was vegetarian. I didn't hide the fact but I didn't broadcast it either.
The interesting thing to me tonight is that, except for one chicken breast, I had no meat today. I'm not sitting here ready to gnaw off my hand with hunger. Nor am I overly full and feeling ashamed. I just kind of feel good. I had two delicious meat free meals today and I really didn't need the chicken I had. I don't know that I will ever fully embrace vegetarianism. I really don't have an issue with eating meat. (although the INDUSTRY blows). Ideally, I would love to limit my meat consumption enough to save money and be healthier and when I do buy meat, buy it from organic sources. Where it had the chance to roam and play in the sun and eat grass and all of the other things that those critters are supposed to do. We all die. It doesn't bother me that the circle of life is such that everything feeds everything else. But I want the food I eat to be healthy and happy and grass fed and free.
It's probably my imagination, but I swear that I feel somehow lighter in spirit today. I am definitely intrigued. :)
Blessings!
But - it was a cool day in another way. This was an almost vegetarian day.
Me and my honey live with my ex and our daughter. I know that it will sound odd to most people out there. After all, we live in a world where, if you want to divorce someone, it must mean that you can't stand that person. How on earth could you continue to share a home with them, let alone have a NEW relationship with someone else right in front of them? But my ex and I have always been friends first - and we care deeply about each other in that way. We want each other to be happy. He really likes my fiance. They get along great. And my daughter gets to live in a harmonious situation with laughter and love and both of her parents present and getting along great. So don't even think about judging it. ;)
Since my honey was in bed sick this morning, and the rest of us all needed to run to the store for various reasons, we headed out this morning together. We decided to get a bite to eat at Golden Corral first so we didn't overspend at the store by going there hungry. It was still breakfast when we arrived - about an hour away from lunch.
I looked around at all the breakfast offerings and then I opted for an omelet with spinach, tomato, mushroom and cheese. It was DELICIOUS! I had some hash browns with it and some very very under-ripe cantaloupe - so disappointing.
I was still hungry so I went back up and at that point, the fried chicken caught my eye and I couldn't help myself. Not healthy, I know, but it was just one piece, along with a small portion of mashed potatoes and some corn. No dessert. That was tough though. That chocolate cream pie was screaming at me.
We went to the store after and I got some Morningstar Farms Buffalo Wings, which I haven't tried yet. I also got some Morningstar Farms Crumbles, spaghetti sauce, spaghetti, cheesy garlic bread, and a few other things we needed. Like dog food. My puppies were about to be hungry puppies. (Not really puppies but they are little dogs and just over a year old, so...you know. :) )
I made the spaghetti tonight. The ex and my honey both knew it wasn't real meat. My ex is a really picky eater, but he dealt with it. My honey has eaten a lot of vegetarian food since his sons are vegetarian and vegan respectively. He thought it was delicious. So did I. My daughter seemed to like it too, and she was the only one that may or may not have realized that it was vegetarian. I didn't hide the fact but I didn't broadcast it either.
The interesting thing to me tonight is that, except for one chicken breast, I had no meat today. I'm not sitting here ready to gnaw off my hand with hunger. Nor am I overly full and feeling ashamed. I just kind of feel good. I had two delicious meat free meals today and I really didn't need the chicken I had. I don't know that I will ever fully embrace vegetarianism. I really don't have an issue with eating meat. (although the INDUSTRY blows). Ideally, I would love to limit my meat consumption enough to save money and be healthier and when I do buy meat, buy it from organic sources. Where it had the chance to roam and play in the sun and eat grass and all of the other things that those critters are supposed to do. We all die. It doesn't bother me that the circle of life is such that everything feeds everything else. But I want the food I eat to be healthy and happy and grass fed and free.
It's probably my imagination, but I swear that I feel somehow lighter in spirit today. I am definitely intrigued. :)
Blessings!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Greetings!
Okay, it's been a while since my last update but considering I've had, maybe, two readers in that time period, I suppose I'm not too concerned. I still have time to get in the flow of doing this right. And I am working on that. :)
I'm not really sure why I struggle so hard with this. I really need to figure it out. I really do want to lose weight, but I'm starting to ask myself if I really believe I CAN. I thought I did. After all, once upon a time I lost 60 lbs. I was really clicking along.
But I was also starting to slip and I knew it. When I injured myself, I was getting ready to get myself back on track that day - but then I injured my leg and didn't walk for 10 months and everything went downhill. I'm still - 11 years later - dealing with the repercussions of that. Including how weak I am - weakest of my life - and how heavy. I need to do something about this.
I really need and want to get back on track. I want this weight off while I'm still young enough to enjoy my life. I want to feel strong and healthy before I'm old and gray. If I even make it to old and gray carrying around so much unnecessary and unhealthy weight. I really do want this. I need to find my way to it. It's time.
I know that one of my biggest issues and worries is that I'm weak. I'm afraid to go take a walk around the block by myself because I'm so weak and so heavy that I'm afraid of my knee giving out or of someone messing with me and hurting me or of having a heart attack with no one around to even notice until it's too late. Okay, probably not the last one. My heart is very strong. But the other two things are very real concerns. And those fears are enough to keep me trapped in the house.
But I can start with basic exercises and weight train with free weights. I can do leg lifts for my hips and sit ups and leg lifts for my abs. I can work my biceps and triceps and back muscles and shoulders. I can work on projects to get me standing and walking around the house more often and I can work the principals I'm learning as I listen to the Excuses Begone!: How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits
series of audiotapes by Dr. Wayne Dyer. (Link provided is for the book - these audiotapes were part of a PBS fund drive package and I didn't seem them listed at Amazon. I'm sorry.) He says, "Contemplate yourself surrounded by the circumstances you wish to produce." So I am doing that as well. I'm contemplating how it might feel to live inside a healthy, thin, strong body. I'm contemplating how good it would feel and taste to eat good healthy fresh food and have little to no contact with junk food and loads of sugar. I am contemplating myself feeling good again. Feeling strong again. You know what feeling I really miss? I miss feeling the power in my legs when hiking up a hill or peddling up a hill on my bike - standing up on the pedals off the seat. I miss that so much. It wasn't easy and it made me out of breath - but I loved feeling strong like that. I want that again. At least whatever version of it I can get, depending on how much my knees heal.
I want to get into cooking. I said that before. You know, I bought all the stuff to make two recipes but then I never actually made those recipes. I need to do something about that, too. I would like to start blogging the recipes - showing pictures. Not just recipes from that book - the Biggest Loser Family Cookbook - but from others too. I want to start trying out vegetarian recipes too. I want to build a new personal cookbook full of recipes that we all like and that are really good for us. The more vegetarian, the better. I want to try some of that fake meat stuff and see how good it is. I want to treat this as the new adventure that it is. I want to have fun with it.
I started taking inventory of my kitchen yesterday. I only managed to document all the food contents of one cupboard so far, but it's a start. I want to document everything (which also gives me a chance to clean out old food that really shouldn't be in the house) and use that to figure out healthy foods and less than healthy foods and then also plan meals with what I have on hand and build a grocery list and generally get working in the right direction with food planning. Which of course will not only make for better quality meals but also will save money on the grocery bill.
I would also love to get back into baking. I think it would be fun to try some of the many recipes I have for dessert items that are supposedly low calorie, yet wonderfully tasty. I miss baking. And learning to bake things that were wonderful and healthy would be - well - awesome! :)
I am also thinking about creating a blog about my creative side. I make jewelry and other items with polymer clay. It's a lot of fun and I get a great deal of enjoyment out of it. I am always looking for other ways to be creative, as well, and am particularly interested in ways that we can recycle trash into art. A blog dedicated to all my arts and crafts projects would be a lot of fun - and give me yet one more link to my Etsy and Facebook pages. (I will post them here, too, after I have built things to where I feel ready for that.)
So, yeah, sounds like I'm gaining a little bit of direction here. :) That's good. Keep it up, woman!
Contemplate yourself surrounded by the circumstances you wish to produce.
Contemplate yourself surrounded by the circumstances you wish to produce.
Contemplate yourself surrounded by the circumstances you wish to produce.
Okay, it's been a while since my last update but considering I've had, maybe, two readers in that time period, I suppose I'm not too concerned. I still have time to get in the flow of doing this right. And I am working on that. :)
I'm not really sure why I struggle so hard with this. I really need to figure it out. I really do want to lose weight, but I'm starting to ask myself if I really believe I CAN. I thought I did. After all, once upon a time I lost 60 lbs. I was really clicking along.
But I was also starting to slip and I knew it. When I injured myself, I was getting ready to get myself back on track that day - but then I injured my leg and didn't walk for 10 months and everything went downhill. I'm still - 11 years later - dealing with the repercussions of that. Including how weak I am - weakest of my life - and how heavy. I need to do something about this.
I really need and want to get back on track. I want this weight off while I'm still young enough to enjoy my life. I want to feel strong and healthy before I'm old and gray. If I even make it to old and gray carrying around so much unnecessary and unhealthy weight. I really do want this. I need to find my way to it. It's time.
I know that one of my biggest issues and worries is that I'm weak. I'm afraid to go take a walk around the block by myself because I'm so weak and so heavy that I'm afraid of my knee giving out or of someone messing with me and hurting me or of having a heart attack with no one around to even notice until it's too late. Okay, probably not the last one. My heart is very strong. But the other two things are very real concerns. And those fears are enough to keep me trapped in the house.
But I can start with basic exercises and weight train with free weights. I can do leg lifts for my hips and sit ups and leg lifts for my abs. I can work my biceps and triceps and back muscles and shoulders. I can work on projects to get me standing and walking around the house more often and I can work the principals I'm learning as I listen to the Excuses Begone!: How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits
series of audiotapes by Dr. Wayne Dyer. (Link provided is for the book - these audiotapes were part of a PBS fund drive package and I didn't seem them listed at Amazon. I'm sorry.) He says, "Contemplate yourself surrounded by the circumstances you wish to produce." So I am doing that as well. I'm contemplating how it might feel to live inside a healthy, thin, strong body. I'm contemplating how good it would feel and taste to eat good healthy fresh food and have little to no contact with junk food and loads of sugar. I am contemplating myself feeling good again. Feeling strong again. You know what feeling I really miss? I miss feeling the power in my legs when hiking up a hill or peddling up a hill on my bike - standing up on the pedals off the seat. I miss that so much. It wasn't easy and it made me out of breath - but I loved feeling strong like that. I want that again. At least whatever version of it I can get, depending on how much my knees heal.
I want to get into cooking. I said that before. You know, I bought all the stuff to make two recipes but then I never actually made those recipes. I need to do something about that, too. I would like to start blogging the recipes - showing pictures. Not just recipes from that book - the Biggest Loser Family Cookbook - but from others too. I want to start trying out vegetarian recipes too. I want to build a new personal cookbook full of recipes that we all like and that are really good for us. The more vegetarian, the better. I want to try some of that fake meat stuff and see how good it is. I want to treat this as the new adventure that it is. I want to have fun with it.
I started taking inventory of my kitchen yesterday. I only managed to document all the food contents of one cupboard so far, but it's a start. I want to document everything (which also gives me a chance to clean out old food that really shouldn't be in the house) and use that to figure out healthy foods and less than healthy foods and then also plan meals with what I have on hand and build a grocery list and generally get working in the right direction with food planning. Which of course will not only make for better quality meals but also will save money on the grocery bill.
I would also love to get back into baking. I think it would be fun to try some of the many recipes I have for dessert items that are supposedly low calorie, yet wonderfully tasty. I miss baking. And learning to bake things that were wonderful and healthy would be - well - awesome! :)
I am also thinking about creating a blog about my creative side. I make jewelry and other items with polymer clay. It's a lot of fun and I get a great deal of enjoyment out of it. I am always looking for other ways to be creative, as well, and am particularly interested in ways that we can recycle trash into art. A blog dedicated to all my arts and crafts projects would be a lot of fun - and give me yet one more link to my Etsy and Facebook pages. (I will post them here, too, after I have built things to where I feel ready for that.)
So, yeah, sounds like I'm gaining a little bit of direction here. :) That's good. Keep it up, woman!
Contemplate yourself surrounded by the circumstances you wish to produce.
Contemplate yourself surrounded by the circumstances you wish to produce.
Contemplate yourself surrounded by the circumstances you wish to produce.
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