Greetings,
Well, I did not eat vegetarian today, but I did eat mindfully. I didn't overeat. I made a relatively normal breakfast for my honey and I, with egg sandwiches and microwave bacon (recently discovered! GREAT discovery! It's so easy to make, only takes about 25 seconds to cook, and it's so thinly sliced and non-greasy - at least when compared with normal bacon - that it only works out to about 70 calories for 4 slices!) We actually ate these pretty late, around 10:30 this morning, so we just kind of skipped right over lunch. I nibbled on some grapes and then made dinner kind of early in the evening, using ground turkey instead of ground beef and saving a lot of fat in the process. I had one serving and I did not overeat. I'm pretty proud about that.
I'm proud of my honey too. He's still sick, and I'm sure he would have loved to have spent a third day in bed. But I really thought that it would be good for him to stay up as much as possible today - to kind of take a stand with this thing and try to have as normal a day as he could while taking it easy. He really needs to work tomorrow. He's already missed one day with this thing - and it was a day when he would have made time and a half pay, so that hurt. And it sucks even more because everyone in the house was sick with this last month already and we really don't need round 2 of it. His case was milder than some of ours so maybe that's why he got it again. I just hope I don't. I've had ENOUGH.
One thing I rediscovered with him spending two days in bed sick, is that I really miss my "me time." The ex and I have made a practice of largely ignoring each other for quite a number of years. It wasn't hostile in any way. Mostly it's that we weren't really in love - so we didn't have that whole "need to be romantic together THING" - and we are both pretty introverted, so we would just naturally get lost in our own activities although we were generally still in each other's presence - usually sharing an office while on different computers.
My honey, though, he and I are definitely in love. And after all the time we spent apart (I guess I really need to fill you all in on our story at some point) we treat our time together as something that is just about on par with sacred. Yes, we will spend time with us each doing our own thing on the computer - but we also want to spend time together. Often it is watching one of our favorite shows. Or it's sharing favorite movies with each other. Or often, it's talking, or reading together, or having adventures out in the world. Whatever we do, we have a lot of fun and focus a lot of attention on each other.
I love it. I really and truly do. He is the love of my life and although I've never believed in them before, I also think he could very well be my "split-apart" - my true spirit half. I do not regret spending my time with him. I waited 30 years for him, after all!
But, I also really need to find a way for me time. After all, it's not just him making demands on my time. I also have the ex that loves to talk with me throughout the day. And my daughter that I love so much. And various friends that always seem to want or need my attention. And I love all of them dearly and want to be there for them. So I tend to, all too often, drop whatever it is I'm doing to focus on them. And while that's all fine and well, it also means that I don't get enough time to just BE and to focus on my own pursuits. And THAT sucks. I need to find a way to get the me time I need without apology or feeling guilty about it.
For example, yesterday at the grocery store my friend A. called me. She is my spirit sister and matters very much to me. But lately, she's called practically on a daily basis because she was dealing with a pretty serious crisis in her life. And now she has a man in her life that is becoming a romantic interest - her first in years - and she is just kind of going bat shit over that. So she called me while I was in the store, so she could yak yet again about this guy. I answered because she matters to me and it might have been important. But it was an intrusion. I was shopping. And on the phone with her, I couldn't see my grocery list I had put in my phone. Fortunately, I remembered everything I needed and was off the phone before hitting the check out stand, but still.
So today, just as I had sat down to eat the above mentioned egg sandwich and bacon this morning, she called again. She was having a possible health crisis. Wanted my support and wanted me to look up something on the internet for her. So I put my food aside and looked things up and talked her through but I can't say I wasn't a bit resentful about it. I was. But what do you do? I mean, she needed me. She was scared and alone and I am her closest friend. So I got off the line with her and I ate and I spent time with my honey and because it was the first day in three that he's been up and around, I focused on him and I sat here watching shows with him pretty much all day. We are working our way (Netflix) the seasons of Sex and the City (me sharing with him - just started season 2) and Northern Exposure (him sharing with me - just started season 3) and we watched both discs we had sitting here today. That's - count them - SIX episodes of Sex and the City and FOUR episodes of Northern Exposure. And it was fun and enjoyable and he managed to stay up all day and we had a nice time together. And of course, in that time we were also doing laundry and talking and I made dinner and we ate. Still...that's a LOT of TV watching today. And when I'm doing that, I can't write. I can't really even have an independent thought. And A. also called back again after having a doctor appointment to let me know how it went.
Tonight, just as I started to write, another friend who is dear to me sent me some pictures. This woman is a KICK ASS photographer, and she sent me pictures she's feeling very "chesty" about. She also texted me to see what I was doing. She loves to share her pictures with me. I appreciate her artist's eye and relate to it in a way that most in her life don't. So she really loves sharing her work with me and I love seeing it. And we spend time talking about it and we often see the same interesting things in the pictures. It's great fun. But...I had just started writing. And I need time for me too, damn it. I matter too. My desire to write matters too. My goals matter too. I can't only be there for other people all the time.
It's hard to not feel guilty about it though.
Okay - tomorrow I HAVE to work from 11 to 2 pm. My honey works 9:30 to 5:00, so he'll be leaving here around 9. I would really like to work on my book tomorrow but I just don't see that happening. Especially since I need to start working on some legal paperwork. What will most likely happen is that I will get him off to work and then talk to P, my photographer friend - if she can talk that early - and see these pictures she's so chesty about. And then I'll work my three hour shift. And then I'll work another of my jobs for at least an hour. And then I'll work on legal paperwork for an hour or two. And then it will be time to fix dinner. And then eat. And be there for my honey since he may not be doing so good after having to work sick. And before I know it, the evening will be over and I'll have to head to bed and maybe I will have gotten to do some writing and maybe not. Maybe I'll get to get some exercise in and maybe not. It really is a struggle, though. It's a situation I really need to get more of a handle on.
Maybe I should just keep a journal for a week or two - you know, kind of like a food diary. But this one would just state what I am doing with my time each hour of the day - for my own information. I think Google has some sort of program I can do that with. I knew the name of it at one point. Hmmm...damn, I just searched and I am not coming up with it. But no matter, I can just write it down in notepad and then make it into a spreadsheet if I want to. I think that it's time that I analyze this situation better. Time to put my OCD self to work. lol
Wish me luck with THAT.
Goodnight. :)
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