The hernia isn't new. It's right at my belly button and I have had it for a good 15 years or so. I remember when I got it. Not the time and date, but I remember that I had a horrible case of bronchitis and it was during a major coughing fit - the kind that leaves you gasping for breath and trying desperately not to pee your pants (and often failing) - that I felt a sharp pain in my belly that got worse every time I coughed after that. I got to the point where I would hold my breath trying not to cough while hauling ass to the bedroom to lean over on the bed, pressing my belly as hard as I could against the corner of the mattress for support, before allowing myself to really cough. By the time I was well, I also had a hole in my belly that has been with me since.
At first it was mostly just an occasional annoyance - I just tried to be careful when I coughed. Over time and continued lack of getting my weight and fitness under control it has gotten big enough to be a bit of a problem. There have recently been some scares where I really had to struggle (and it took some time) to push whatever was stuck in it out from being stuck in it. If your intestines get caught in a hernia and strangulate, you can die. I don't want that, obviously.
These couple of times that it has happened have scared the holy shit out of me. I am not a "doctor person" in that I treat the rare health issue with herbs or homeopathy and chose to have a homebirth with my 15 year old daughter. I don't hate western medicine. I just consider it to often be the most extreme resort to healing - and one that often creates as many problems as it fixes.
I know that if something gets caught in my hernia that I can't get out, eventually I will have no choice but to seek medical help. I won't let myself die from this. But - the thought of having surgery scares me almost as bad. For one thing - surgery is scary. For another, I weigh around 350 lbs. and I am not in the right condition to be having surgery if I can help it. Wow...I can't believe I just put my weight right out there like that, but yup, I did it. I don't know exactly what my weight is right now, honestly. Maybe I'll get on the scale tomorrow morning - maybe not. But I do know that my top weight was about 375 and the last time I was on the scale - maybe a couple of months ago - I was down to 336 and I may have gained a little back but I don't expect I'm over 350 at the most. I'll find out. In any case, I have no business having surgery unless it's literally a life and death situation. And right now, it isn't.
Plus, from what I've been reading, most umbilical hernias in adult women are caused by a combination of being overweight and having really weak stomach muscles. Apparently stomach muscles are rather "meshlike" and if they are weak, these holes (hernias) can develop - and logic says when you have a hole, you sew it together, but if the REASON for the hernia is still there (weak stomach muscles) than the stitches may just further weaken the area and contribute to more hernias developing. It's really important to strengthen your stomach muscles, and not just so you can look good in a suit. Your stomach muscles are part of your base - part of what holds your whole body together. And mine is about as weak as it can be. Everything about me is weak, actually, and at 48 years of age, I feel like I'm falling apart. "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;" William Butler Yeats. Yup, that's about it.
And this is stupid. Other than the fact that I'm gigantically fat and allowing my body to fall apart - I'm essentially healthy. Ironic, right? But my blood pressure is good, if on the low side. I actually don't eat that unhealthy of a diet. Sure, I have the occasional crap, but I think you'd be surprised how much less junk food I eat than your average American. I'm constantly amazed at the amount of processed food people have in their houses. My cholesterol count is even decent. One doctor told me once that I'm lucky because I wear all my fat on the outside of my body where it can't hurt me so bad. That may have even been true then, but I know the day is coming when it won't be true anymore. I do have fat inside my body now. I know I do. I'm weaker than I've ever been in my life. My stomach is so weak it can't properly contain my guts. This is bullshit. It's time to make a change. I don't want to die this way.
It isn't the first time I've lost weight. I actually did really well once...years ago...and lost 60 lbs. I have had shorter losses of 20 to 30 lbs at times too. Problem is, I tend to gain it back...and gain more over time. When I moved here 10 years ago, I was shocked to find my new top weight of 350 after a leg injury had left me unable to walk for 10 months. And now my top weight is 375. I don't WANT anymore "new top weights." I DO want a new "top low weight" though. The lowest weight I have seen on the scale in at least the last 16 years is 288 and I only hit that for about a minute. Right now, if I could see 250 on the scale again, I think I'd burst a blood vessel in my excitement - yet I remember when I thought that was devastatingly huge. How things change.
Well, no one can say that a potentially dangerous hernia isn't incentive. To me, it represents everything else that is unstable in my life - including finances and the state of my house. My house and my body and my finances and, well, my life management skills themselves all need an overhaul and I'm ready. I'm charged up. If I have my druthers, I will never again feel the fear I felt about my hernia a couple of days ago.
My plan of action at the moment is a step by step keep it simple kind of thing. I'm trying to listen to my body and eat sensibly without acting all "diet-y" about it. I don't really believe in diets anyway. I mean, sure, if you count all your calories or points or whatever, you will lose weight, but calling it a "diet" isn't really good because that makes it sound all temporary. You need to make permanent changes for weight to come off and stay off. We've all heard that. And again - my eating isn't all that bad, although I definitely eat too much too often. But my biggest problem, bar none, is that I have very little muscle, a whole lot of fat, and weak and tired joints that hurt all the flipping time. Which means I spend the majority of the day sitting on my HUGE ass. Plus, I work from home over the internet. More sitting on my ass in order to earn money.
So - starting yesterday I went with this listen to my body approach to things. I didn't want to eat, so I didn't eat until dinner time when I cooked up about a pound of ground beef with a can of black beans, a can of pinto beans, and a can of Ro-Tel. Added a little salt, pepper, and a bit of chili powder. Normally I would have wrapped that inside large flour tortillas along with grated cheese - then smothered it. Not the healthiest thing to eat but not horrible. I don't use a lot of cheese these days. But last night I opted to tear up romaine lettuce in a bowl for myself, spoon some of the meat and beans onto that, and put about 2 Tbsp worth of sour cream in it. My fiance did pretty much the same thing but added salsa to his. We both enjoyed it a lot and I ate slowly, really chewing everything extra good. I didn't avoid the tortilla for calories. Mostly I was just thinking in terms of fiber and being easy with my digestive system right now.
I also started doing an exercise yesterday called Marching. It's not marching standing up though. It's an abdominal exercise I found on the internet that you can do both laying on your back or sitting in a chair. It's good if you have really weak stomach muscles. I imagine if you're in decent shape, this exercise is pretty lame though. :) But for me, it is perfect, lifting each leg in turn, like you're marching. I don't get down on the floor by choice so I'm doing this in bed - 3 reps of 15. I feel it in both my stomach muscles and my thighs, and as of today, I'm actually a little bit achy from it, which I like. Achy is good. It means I'm working the muscles.
So that's what I'm doing so far. I need to find a way to implement more walking too, but it all comes step by step.
For dinner tonight I am making this yummy sounding recipe I found on The Pioneer Woman site: Lazy Chiles Rellenos. I'm going to make pan fried (no added oil) boneless and skinless chicken breasts to go with it (all I add to them is a little Goya Adobo All Purpose Seasoning with Pepper - 8 oz
sprinkled on), and warm corn tortillas. I think it sounds good and as long as I don't go crazy with the cheese (which I won't) reasonably healthy. Healthier than Chile Rellenos normally are, anyway, considering they are usually fried with breading and this is baked and no matter what the recipe says, I'm using 1% milk because that's what I have in my house. But I still expect it to be yummy and shouldn't be too hard on my belly.It feels good to have finally written in here again. Maybe this time I won't stop. I would really like this hernia to be the wake up call I need to stop dicking around with my health anymore. I am reunited with and about to marry the love of my life. We deserve to have lots of time together, after all the years we waited to be together - and the last thing he needs is me dying on him because I'm lazy and stupid. We are both worth more than this and we deserve a good and happy life together.
Blessings,
Mystic
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