Excess Weight - What Makes People Put on a "Fat Suit?" (Part One)

Greetings World!

I have been overweight most of my life and I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't feel fat, clumsy, and ungainly. I look back into my farthest memories and an overwhelming majority of them can be separated into five piles:

• Food
• Something I was incapable of doing right
• Some person who was picking on me for my weight or clumsiness
• Some friend who mostly liked me but who also looked down on me about something
• Fear

Today, I want to talk about Food.

It was a few years back when I came to realize that I seem to have an inordinate amount of memories revolving around food. I remember my grandma's wonderful cooking and how she would always make me my own baby pancakes or baby pies whenever she made the regular-sized version, which was often. She loved to bake and cook and there were always amazing smells at grandma's house. She made black raspberry jam from the black raspberry patch she'd cultivated herself on her farm and it was the most heavenly smell in the world when she was cooking fruit and letting it drain from cheesecloth. It was very magical to me. 

There was the food I ate at school. So many people talk with disdain about bad school lunches, but for me, they were wonderful. It was a chance to drown my sorrows over being one of the most picked on kids in elementary school. (There were two of us - me and a guy named Ronnie - and it was the "thing" to pick on us. Publicly being nice to either of us could earn a person public ridicule in the extreme. Even kids younger than me would call me names as evidence to their friends as to how tough they were for picking on one of the older kids. 

When I was in 6th grade, I signed up to work in the cafeteria. They were always looking for kids to work because most kids considered it so UNCOOL to work in there that it was sure to get you picked on. But hell, I dealt with that all the time so it wasn't going to make it worse. It just meant that I could make friends with the cafeteria workers, I could get out of class (and away from the jerks) for a little while every day, I could be friendly with the few kids brave enough to work in there with me, and - the best part of all - I could eat all I wanted. We cafeteria kids got extras of any leftovers after everyone else was served. We'd sit around the table in back and feast. Sometimes, there at that little table, I was actually ADMIRED for being able to eat so much.

Then there was my mom. My relationship with her was always difficult, mostly because I was scared to death of her. She was angry and mean and seemed to resent being a mom. 

(She and I are good friends now and I love her very much. It's important to me to make sure you hear that (and you'll hear it more than once) when I talk about this stuff because back then - she did a LOT of damage to me and I will be talking about that. We both worked very hard to reach the place we have and our relationship is proof that it can be done - but you have to really want it.)

In any case, my childhood always felt a bit like I was walking in a field full of landmines, trying to walk carefully and consciously so that I wouldn't invariably trigger an attack/explosion. And with my mom, one of the best ways I found to feel safe with her was when we were eating together. (That, and laughing - I firmly believe I developed my sense of humor partly because it made me safer when I made my mom laugh.) There are countless memories of us finding some food to eat together that we "probably shouldn't be eating but it tastes so good" and the role I took on as her "partner in crime" at those moments earned me not only safety, but actual closeness and camaraderie with her - at least for the amount of time it took to eat the pizza or pie or whatever we were stuffing our faces with at the moment.

I remember coming home after particularly difficult days at school and, if the house was empty, just binge eating on something. Sometimes it was ketchup sandwiches on white bread. Sometimes it was milk and cookies. Sometimes ice cream. Whatever it was, the real key was that I had to only eat a certain amount, so I wouldn't get busted. So I learned to eat a little of this and a little of that. When I got my allowance, I often bought my own cheap treats so I could pig out without anyone being the wiser. Looking back on it now, I can't help but shake my head a bit at how unhealthy my behavior was - and how sad. I was such a sad and broken kid, really. 

Why did I eat like that? 

I think that mostly, food was my friend and my comfort. It made me happy and gave me pleasure. It tied me to my grandma - the most beloved person in the world. When I was seven, my mom moved me far away from her farm in Indiana to Gallup, NM, and OH I HATED IT THERE. But when I ate certain foods, I could close my eyes and be back in Indiana and feel better for a little while. 

In some ways, I'm thankful that I had food to help me get through the hell that was my childhood (which continued on in my young adult years.) Without food, I might have been more vulnerable to turning to alcohol or drugs for my "fix". It's hard to say really. All I know is that my food obsessions go way back and I have barely scratched the surface here. 

I'd love to hear from others on this topic. Do you have food obsessions or do you remember having them in the past? What reasons (besides hunger) do you eat? 

Blessings!

Witchymom

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

Greetings World!

Sorry I didn't update last night. The night just got away from me.

I made a fabulous dinner last night. I cooked some big, meaty chicken breasts up in a pan, with just a little olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper. While they cooked, I cooked up some sliced onions, bell peppers, and mushrooms in another skillet with just a bit of garlic butter. While they cooked, I also boiled up a mess of brussel sprouts. Along with all that, we had baked potatoes and some fresh honey wheat bread from the bakery - yum!

For those of you to hate brussel sprouts, but are curious and open minded enough to give them another try - I really recommend that you do. It helps if you have someone in your life that loves them - so you have someone to give them to if these are a fail, too. But depending on what you don't like about brussel sprouts, they really can be worth a second look.

I speak from experience. I hated those things my whole life, with a hatred that can not be accurately expressed. They were the bane of my existence in childhood and I have systematically avoided them since then, except for a very few occasions when some brussel sprout lover in my life INSISTED, "oh...you just haven't had them cooked right. You'll love mine!", to which I would sigh and agree to take one bite and invariably assure them that nope - my hatred for brussel sprouts was still firmly intact, thank you very much.

Then I went and married me a brussel sprouts lover. And while he never made much comment about it, after a year or so I started to feel really bad that because I hated them, he never got any of them with his dinner. So, I set out to look online for cooking instructions, bought a bag of fresh brussel sprouts, and did exactly as instructed.

They actually looked good to me - fresh and deep green and better than I'd ever seen them look. Could there be that much difference between the fresh ones and the frozen ones I'd always seen other people making?

Yes. Yes there could.

I decided to try one and OMG - that was the moment that I became a lover of brussel sprouts. Everything shifted with that one little bite.

So...here's what you do if you want to try them again:

Buy fresh brussel sprouts. Like, seriously...don't even bother with those frozen things. YUCK.

Fill a pan with water (figuring out approximately how much water and what sized pan is up to you - you want the water to NOT overflow after you dump your brussel sprouts into it. You want the water covering them (although they float) and not running over the sides.)

Heat that water on the stove and while it heats to boiling, attend to your brussel sprouts.

Take your fresh brussel sprouts and cut off the little brown stem at the bottom and then clean off any loose leaves left behind. Smell one and take note how fresh and green and wonderful it smells. Put it in a bowl. I like to use a bowl that approximates my pan size, just to keep myself from going overboard with the brussel sprouts.

Repeat until you have cut and cleaned up all the brussel sprouts you want to cook and then take them over to the sink to give them a good rinsing (always a good practice). 

Once your water is boiling (or close to it - and it should be by now) you can put your brussel sprouts in it. I like to use a slotted spoon to gently lower them in. I HATE when hot water splashes on me.

Let them cook at that sort of slow boiling state for a while. 20 to 30 minutes is good. They will become more vibrantly green and pretty and they will be tender, but not mushy, when they are properly cooked. 

Feast. I like to sprinkle Butter Buds on mine but really - whatever works for you. 

Not much else to say for now - sorry about that. I did stay within my calories yesterday and so far today, too. I'm enjoying the hell out of eating better and cooking more and will share more recipes soon. Right now, I'm mostly focused on getting into the practice of writing in here every day, but I have thoughts and plans for this place and will add more as I can.

I'm sure you'll hear from me later today. For now...

Blessings!

Witchymom

My Weight Loss is Happening!

Greetings World!

Yes, I've been down this road before - and lost 60 pounds at one time - but it's been a while. But I am very happy to state that after three days of strictly staying within my calorie range according to "Lose It" - I am down 4.4 POUNDS! 

I realize, as always, that some of this is probably the loss of water weight and that's just fine. It feels better, regardless. I have less swelling and pain in my foot, making it easier to move around and do the things I want and need to do. So I am thrilled!

I really don't plan to weigh more than once a week normally - every Friday, maybe. But I was noticing a difference in my foot and my belly last night, so I had to satisfy my curiosity. One thing you might as well know right now - I'm not much of a rule follower. So while I will strive for once a week weigh ins, I also know that I'll hop on the scale any time I feel a reason to do so. I just don't do it every day, for certain - that's the kiss of death, I think. I hate being ruled by the scale.

Anyway...just wanted to share this little bit of good news this morning. I'll update again later when I've made it through the day!

Blessings,

Witchymom

Cracker Barrel is Amazing

Greetings World!

I have had another good day on my eating plan and I'm thankful and proud about that. But mostly, I just have something really wonderful to share.

Today, my honey and I decided to head out to Cracker Barrel around lunchtime. He was craving breakfast. I wasn't sure what I wanted. But one thing was certain - I wasn't going to worry about my diet when I went there. I planned on eating what I wanted and leave it at that.

But then I saw on their lunch/dinner menu that there was this whole new section called "Wholesome Fixin's" - all meals of less than 600 calories. Just out of curiousity, I checked it out. One of the items on their menu was a Buttermilk Oven Fried Chicken Breast that sounded just wonderful to me. I chose to have that with steamed broccoli and a baked sweet potato. They had all the calorie counts available and I figured that with butter and a piece of corn bread, the whole thing basically came to around 600 calories. The only "wrinkle" was that when they brought my food, the sweet potato had brown sugar and cinnamon in it - which a lot of people might love - but it is not for me. I had them bring me a plain one instead and enjoyed my meal very much. That chicken was outrageously good.

But it apparently gets even better. When I went on Cracker Barrel's site a few minutes ago to get the link for you all, I saw the option to "Make it at Home". The link leads to a PDF file with the recipe for that amazing chicken. How flippin' cool is that? I've never seen a restaurant do something like that, but I have to say I'm very impressed.

Way to go, Cracker Barrel!

Blessings!

Witchymom

Second Day and Going Strong

Greetings World!

Well, I have made it through my second day back and I'm doing well. I ate within my calorie range today and popped everything I ate into my "Lose It" program and actually, I still have 199 calories left for the day, although I won't be using them.

I do want to toot my own horn for a moment, too. 

Part of what got me to this crazy amount of weight is comfort eating. Way, way, way too much comfort eating. I think many of us can relate to that one, can't we? I'll be going through a difficult emotional time - or maybe I just had a long and boring day at work - or hell, maybe I just heard a song on the radio that got me feeling all depressed and funky, and suddenly, I'm comforting myself with chips or cheese and crackers, or some sweet treat I have a real weakness for. 

I know I'm not alone in this one.

And sometimes even as I'm doing it, I'll be thinking to myself, "You need to knock this shit off." But that's generally immediately followed by the rebellious voice inside that says, "this piece of pie (or gallon of ice cream or whatever) isn't going to change things all that much. Even if you don't eat it, you'll still wake up tomorrow the size of a cow. So, feel better now and get back on track tomorrow." 

And so it goes. And days turn into weeks and weeks into months and months into years and there's still always tomorrow.

Well, today, I could have done just that...AGAIN. I had the perfect storm for it, really. It's "Pie Day" after all. (You know...Pi...3.14 etc.) So how did my roommate (my daughter's father is our roommate - we were married for almost 15 years as great friends and although we are divorced now, it never changed our friendship...a long story for another time) went out to the grocery store with our daughter and brought back two pies - a chocolate silk and a banana cream (which is my personal weakness). Isn't that helpful? So...yeah, here I am still reeling emotionally from the major blow I've just been through, and they bring in two sweet, creamy pies.

I'll be straight up and say that in the past, I could easily have just sat right down and eaten an entire pie while watching something fun on TV. (Like, say, The Biggest Loser! lol) But I looked at the calorie counts on the box and said, "Nope - ain't happening." And I haven't touched them except to put the lid back on one of them after my daughter got herself a piece. I just stuck with my plan and behaved myself. I don't need pie. I need my fat ass to go away.

So, I call it a victory and I'm proud of myself. And tomorrow, I will do the same - or even better.

One last thing - I noticed that I even had a few people reading my journal today. That's pretty cool. Thank you!

Blessings,

Witchymom

First Day Back on Track

Greetings World!

So, today was my first day back on track and I feel like I did pretty well. 

I haven't been cooking a lot lately. In fact - what I HAVE been doing too much lately is drinking. Drinking and eating fast food and crappy food and not taking proper care of myself AT ALL. I had actually managed to get my weight down to 345 for a while there, but as of today, I'm back up to 365 pounds. That is only 10 pounds less than my all time top weight. Color me mortified.

So yeah....I'm seriously needing to get my ass back on track. This just WILL NOT DO.

And today - I did pretty good. I have this nifty little program on my smart phone called "Lose It" and it allows me to enter my calories and exercise (if I actually manage to do it) and my weigh-ins and it calculates things for me to keep me on track. I tracked everything today and as of this writing, I still have 300 calories more I can eat if I want them. 

I really do want to make this journal something special. My former journal - way back when (before they were called "blogs" for one thing) - was something special. I had a lot of people following me and I had message conversations with several of them. I miss that. It felt like I was part of a community of people all supporting each other. And when I lost it - I lost it BIGTIME. And despite many attempts since then - in over 11 years now, I have never been able to get that back.

But you see - this is my time now. I KNOW it is. I keep getting messages from the universe, for one thing. Like - my honey and I were watching "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" recently. Delightful movie, for any of you who have not seen it! In it, Mr. Magorium tells his store manager, Molly Mahoney, "Your life is an occasion. RISE TO IT."

That really spoke to me. It spoke to me so much, in fact, that I wrote it down in a little notepad file that I titled "My Life" and for the last couple of weeks, I've been adding to it with notes. 

The truth is, my life is out of control in EVERY way. It's NOT just my weight - it's my life. And I'm betting that it is exactly like that for most other profoundly overweight people too. Seriously, if I were to walk around my home taking pictures, it would be a very eye opening experience for sure. And...you know...I might just do that at some point. Or, at least, I might sort of do that. Like - maybe I'll add a section on this site for cleaning up and decluttering your home and then pick one spot - a bookshelf or whatever - and take a picture before and after to show my progress. I rather like that idea, actually. But...not now. Not today.

Because the truth is - I can only do this in baby steps. And today, my baby steps were that I baked a coffee cake and calculated the calories. I cooked that up for my honey and I for lunch, along with eggs. For dinner, I made potato soup, and corn bread and I will share those recipes when I have worked them out enough that they are ready to share. I need to get them more accurate before anyone else relies on them too much.

In any case, I stayed within my calorie count and I cooked meals and for that, I'm proud. Baby steps. It is the first day of the newest incarnation of the journey to be the ME that I wish to be. 

Blessings!

Witchymom

Time to Get My $&*# Together

Greetings world! 

 It's a new beginning for me. It's March 13th, 2014 and it's well over a year and a half since I last wrote. When I did write the last time, I talked about my annoying (and occasionally scary) hernia. Since then, I have actually had surgery to repair said hernia. That is, in fact, how I started off this year. I went into the hospital on January 31, 2013 after spending the night trying to get it "unstuck" again. Fortunately, it was not my intestines that were stuck - merely abdominal fat. But it hurt terribly and was an emergency situation, so I had surgery. Now I have biomesh in my belly, as well as a "seroma" - an egg shaped sac of serous fluid - that took up the space my hernia had left behind. It's rather annoying, but since it isn't an emergency - and I'm one of millions of Americans without insurance, there's not much I can do except deal with it and hope it will go away. 

But today is my new beginning. 

I mean it. 

Even if I get all weak and crap again, I really need to stick with this. I just went through a pretty horrible few days, dealing with a personal issue in my life where I was brought to my knees when someone I love more than life itself said some things to another person that, frankly, made me feel like I'd been stabbed in the gut. To put it simply - my heart was broken. Fortunately, it was not broken beyond repair this time. Nothing was actually done - merely said - and no matter how hurtful the words were, I fully believe that they were not meant to hurt me or be a threat to me in any way at all. They were just stupid, thoughtless words said by someone who wasn't thinking with the brain in their head, but rather with the one between their legs. THAT is the only reason that it is a forgivable offense. 

But - it brought me to my knees. And it punched me hard right in the middle of all my deepest insecurities. It reminded me of all the ways that I have been failing myself. And as we hashed out the situation together - this person and I - it helped us both to realize that we both have insecurities and issues that we are dealing with that helped lead us to this very situation in the first place. After several days of hurting and grumbling and crying and talking, we reached a place where we knew that we were a united front, working together to help each other move forward in much more positive and healthy ways. Today marks a new beginning for us both.

Before today - I had titled this blog "It's Not Your Weight, It's Your Life" and I do like that title. In fact, when I finally manage to make my way successfully on this journey, I would like to write a book with that very same title. But for the sake of this blog, I have decided to reclaim and re-embrace the name I had for my blog many, many years ago - when I successfully walked the weight loss path and lost a total of 60 lbs. (before wiping out my knee and ankle and not walking for 10 months and gaining all my weight back and ending up fatter and weaker than before and just blowing it all up....but, I digress). I remember doing really well with that journal (blog) and feeling very strong and empowered. I want to reclaim all of the things that I exemplified back then. Therefore, I have renamed this blog "Witchymom's Place" and you are welcome to call me Witchymom, or Mystic. Either one works for me just fine. 

I'm happy to be back!

Witchymom