Hernia

It all starts with a hernia, apparently - my "I need to stop screwing around and get busy healing" journey.

The hernia isn't new. It's right at my belly button and I have had it for a good 15 years or so. I remember when I got it. Not the time and date, but I remember that I had a horrible case of bronchitis and it was during a major coughing fit - the kind that leaves you gasping for breath and trying desperately not to pee your pants (and often failing) - that I felt a sharp pain in my belly that got worse every time I coughed after that. I got to the point where I would hold my breath trying not to cough while hauling ass to the bedroom to lean over on the bed, pressing my belly as hard as I could against the corner of the mattress for support, before allowing myself to really cough. By the time I was well, I also had a hole in my belly that has been with me since.

At first it was mostly just an occasional annoyance - I just tried to be careful when I coughed. Over time and continued lack of getting my weight and fitness under control it has gotten big enough to be a bit of a problem. There have recently been some scares where I really had to struggle (and it took some time) to push whatever was stuck in it out from being stuck in it. If your intestines get caught in a hernia and strangulate, you can die. I don't want that, obviously.

These couple of times that it has happened have scared the holy shit out of me. I am not a "doctor person" in that I treat the rare health issue with herbs or homeopathy and chose to have a homebirth with my 15 year old daughter. I don't hate western medicine. I just consider it to often be the most extreme resort to healing - and one that often creates as many problems as it fixes.

I know that if something gets caught in my hernia that I can't get out, eventually I will have no choice but to seek medical help. I won't let myself die from this. But - the thought of having surgery scares me almost as bad. For one thing - surgery is scary. For another, I weigh around 350 lbs. and I am not in the right condition to be having surgery if I can help it. Wow...I can't believe I just put my weight right out there like that, but yup, I did it. I don't know exactly what my weight is right now, honestly. Maybe I'll get on the scale tomorrow morning - maybe not. But I do know that my top weight was about 375 and the last time I was on the scale - maybe a couple of months ago - I was down to 336 and I may have gained a little back but I don't expect I'm over 350 at the most. I'll find out. In any case, I have no business having surgery unless it's literally a life and death situation. And right now, it isn't.

Plus, from what I've been reading, most umbilical hernias in adult women are caused by a combination of being overweight and having really weak stomach muscles. Apparently stomach muscles are rather "meshlike" and if they are weak, these holes (hernias) can develop - and logic says when you have a hole, you sew it together, but if the REASON for the hernia is still there (weak stomach muscles) than the stitches may just further weaken the area and contribute to more hernias developing. It's really important to strengthen your stomach muscles, and not just so you can look good in a suit. Your stomach muscles are part of your base - part of what holds your whole body together. And mine is about as weak as it can be. Everything about me is weak, actually, and at 48 years of age, I feel like I'm falling apart. "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;" William Butler Yeats. Yup, that's about it.

And this is stupid. Other than the fact that I'm gigantically fat and allowing my body to fall apart - I'm essentially healthy. Ironic, right? But my blood pressure is good, if on the low side. I actually don't eat that unhealthy of a diet. Sure, I have the occasional crap, but I think you'd be surprised how much less junk food I eat than your average American. I'm constantly amazed at the amount of processed food people have in their houses. My cholesterol count is even decent. One doctor told me once that I'm lucky because I wear all my fat on the outside of my body where it can't hurt me so bad. That may have even been true then, but I know the day is coming when it won't be true anymore. I do have fat inside my body now. I know I do. I'm weaker than I've ever been in my life. My stomach is so weak it can't properly contain my guts. This is bullshit. It's time to make a change. I don't want to die this way.

It isn't the first time I've lost weight. I actually did really well once...years ago...and lost 60 lbs. I have had shorter losses of 20 to 30 lbs at times too. Problem is, I tend to gain it back...and gain more over time. When I moved here 10 years ago, I was shocked to find my new top weight of 350 after a leg injury had left me unable to walk for 10 months. And now my top weight is 375. I don't WANT anymore "new top weights." I DO want a new "top low weight" though. The lowest weight I have seen on the scale in at least the last 16 years is 288 and I only hit that for about a minute. Right now, if I could see 250 on the scale again, I think I'd burst a blood vessel in my excitement - yet I remember when I thought that was devastatingly huge. How things change.

Well, no one can say that a potentially dangerous hernia isn't incentive. To me, it represents everything else that is unstable in my life - including finances and the state of my house. My house and my body and my finances and, well, my life management skills themselves all need an overhaul and I'm ready. I'm charged up. If I have my druthers, I will never again feel the fear I felt about my hernia a couple of days ago.

My plan of action at the moment is a step by step keep it simple kind of thing. I'm trying to listen to my body and eat sensibly without acting all "diet-y" about it. I don't really believe in diets anyway. I mean, sure, if you count all your calories or points or whatever, you will lose weight, but calling it a "diet" isn't really good because that makes it sound all temporary. You need to make permanent changes for weight to come off and stay off. We've all heard that. And again - my eating isn't all that bad, although I definitely eat too much too often. But my biggest problem, bar none, is that I have very little muscle, a whole lot of fat, and weak and tired joints that hurt all the flipping time. Which means I spend the majority of the day sitting on my HUGE ass. Plus, I work from home over the internet. More sitting on my ass in order to earn money.

So - starting yesterday I went with this listen to my body approach to things. I didn't want to eat, so I didn't eat until dinner time when I cooked up about a pound of ground beef with a can of black beans, a can of pinto beans, and a can of Ro-Tel. Added a little salt, pepper, and a bit of chili powder. Normally I would have wrapped that inside large flour tortillas along with grated cheese - then smothered it. Not the healthiest thing to eat but not horrible. I don't use a lot of cheese these days. But last night I opted to tear up romaine lettuce in a bowl for myself, spoon some of the meat and beans onto that, and put about 2 Tbsp worth of sour cream in it. My fiance did pretty much the same thing but added salsa to his. We both enjoyed it a lot and I ate slowly, really chewing everything extra good. I didn't avoid the tortilla for calories. Mostly I was just thinking in terms of fiber and being easy with my digestive system right now.

I also started doing an exercise yesterday called Marching. It's not marching standing up though. It's an abdominal exercise I found on the internet that you can do both laying on your back or sitting in a chair. It's good if you have really weak stomach muscles. I imagine if you're in decent shape, this exercise is pretty lame though. :) But for me, it is perfect, lifting each leg in turn, like you're marching. I don't get down on the floor by choice so I'm doing this in bed - 3 reps of 15. I feel it in both my stomach muscles and my thighs, and as of today, I'm actually a little bit achy from it, which I like. Achy is good. It means I'm working the muscles.

So that's what I'm doing so far. I need to find a way to implement more walking too, but it all comes step by step.

For dinner tonight I am making this yummy sounding recipe I found on The Pioneer Woman site: Lazy Chiles Rellenos. I'm going to make pan fried (no added oil) boneless and skinless chicken breasts to go with it (all I add to them is a little Goya Adobo All Purpose Seasoning with Pepper - 8 oz sprinkled on), and warm corn tortillas. I think it sounds good and as long as I don't go crazy with the cheese (which I won't) reasonably healthy. Healthier than Chile Rellenos normally are, anyway, considering they are usually fried with breading and this is baked and no matter what the recipe says, I'm using 1% milk because that's what I have in my house. But I still expect it to be yummy and shouldn't be too hard on my belly.


It feels good to have finally written in here again. Maybe this time I won't stop. I would really like this hernia to be the wake up call I need to stop dicking around with my health anymore. I am reunited with and about to marry the love of my life. We deserve to have lots of time together, after all the years we waited to be together - and the last thing he needs is me dying on him because I'm lazy and stupid. We are both worth more than this and we deserve a good and happy life together.

Blessings,

Mystic

New Beginnings

Greetings!

I recently ended a 19 day juice fast. If you want to read all about it - including why I ended it - you're welcome to do so at: http://juicyliciousness.blogspot.com/. Suffice to say that I'm done with that and over the weekend we went out and filled our carts with many lovely and healthy foods.

I know how to eat healthy. I am actually very good at this stuff when I take the time to do it. A couple of nights ago I made us an absolutely delicious dinner of fresh brussel sprouts (I FINALLY learned how to make these so that I like them), fresh green beans cooked up with a little olive oil and garlic (OMG they were the best green beans EVER!) and salmon burgers on whole wheat buns with a little ranch dressing, Cabot Light 75% fat free cheddar cheese, sliced tomato, and green leaf lettuce. When we were done feasting, we were full and satisfied and it was all so good for us.

This morning I am sitting down to a wonderful breakfast of an omelet made with spinach, tomato, onion, mushroom, and Cabot Light 75% fat free cheddar cheese, and a side of potatoes oven roasted with just a bit of olive oil sprayed on them. It's absolutely delicious, filling, and good for me. It feels really good to be eating wonderful food that nurtures and strengthens my body.

I want to get much more active with this journal and make it a place where people can find inspiration. This weight loss stuff can be so daunting. I know many wonderful people who struggle with it. I, myself, have dealt with the issue through most of my life. I'm ready to walk the journey to my physically fit self once and for all. I'm tired of being stuck.

I have recently seen a close friend of mine just kind of slide off the deep end. She had an experience in early childhood that has haunted her in various ways throughout her life. She's used this issue as an excuse to explain all kinds of bad, mean, selfish, and hurtful behavior. Now she's using this issue to react in an excessive manner to some medical experiences she has had of late. And typical of her, she's so caught up in feeling sorry for herself that she isn't bothering to give one damn about anyone else in her life or how her behavior is effecting them. She's stuck and after all the time she's spent working on this issue over the years, being stuck is a damned shame.

It reminds me of back when I went to Overeaters Anon years ago. At first, it was a wonderful thing for me. I was definitely a compulsive eater and for the first time, I could be real and honest about that with people who did not judge me, who understood my struggles, and who were willing to reach out and help me. At first it was a great thing. I healed and I talked and I worked the 12 steps and I learned to stop using food. But after a year or so - the meetings stopped being a good thing. I was ready to move on to the next thing. I wasn't using anymore and I was actually eating right and losing weight. But the people in my meetings were still stuck in the same shame cycle of knowing what they should do, but still allowing life challenges to make them use food and then they'd come to the meetings to tell everyone how bad they felt about it. It got to where I felt so much worse when I left the meetings than I did when I got there. And finally, I knew it was no longer healthy for me to go to the meetings. I stopped and never looked back.

My friend is stuck like that. She's so stuck right now that I'm not sure if our friendship will even survive. I'm sad and mad and frustrated about it.

But it's also a good lesson for me. I don't want to be stuck like that. I don't want to keep making excuses for myself. I want to be healthy and I want less weight straining my joints. I want to stop being shocked and dismayed every time I happen to see myself in a full length mirror or window. I deserve better than this and I'm ready to give myself better.

It is time.

Blessings,

Mystic

Juicing My Way to Health

Greetings!

Yes, I am very aware of the fact that it's been quite some time now since I wrote within the confines of these pages, but please don't assume that means that I've gotten all back-slidden and stuff. No, I just had some things to sort through. Some lessons to learn, some work to do, some inspirations to have - you know the drill.

If you have not yet seen the movie Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead", you should. It is amazingly inspirational. And tonight, on my birthday eve, it was the perfect time for me to see that movie. I talked to my mom about it earlier and she was very supportive of my idea that I would like to do a juice fast for 60 days just like in that movie. I don't know that I will become a 100% vegetarian or vegan after that. I really enjoy meat and dairy and I have no issue with the whole Circle of Life - although I am not much of a fan of how industrialized our food production has become. But that's a matter of major debate and I find it too easy to see both sides of the argument to debate either side with any real success so please don't send me angry diatribes about why I should never ever ever eat meat or cheese again. At this moment in time - within 30 minutes of ENJOYING THE HELL out of the fabulous leftovers (Doggy Box) from the birthday meal my beloved bought me for lunch today (about 8 ounces of the most tender and delicious steak EVER and 1/2 a cup of veggies), I am not going to sit here and tell anyone that I will never eat steak (or chicken or pork or seafood...) again. That would be - from my current point of view - a bald face lie. I am willing to grant the possibility that it could, conceivably, end up proving to be the truth. But at the moment - nope. I am like Scarlet O'Hara. "Oh yes, as God as my witness, I will eat meat again!"

But - I am intrigued. And I am curious. Curiosity killed the cat...and satisfaction brought him back. I'm curious. What kind of difference could I make in my body in 30 days? In 60 days? How much differently could I feel? How much differently could I look?

Okay - I think another thing that I really need to do - although personally, this sucks like friggin crazy(!!)...is I need to be accountable. Like - I need to just put this out there into the world as a real and factual thing to people who know me and care about me. I need to own it. I need to say, "Yes, I am doing this." It makes it that much harder to back out of. That - and even more importantly - it allows the people who really care about me to support me. And it allows me the possibility that maybe - just maybe - if I can do what it is that I want to do - I might inspire someone else along the way. And we all know that the world can always use a little bit more of that. :)

So, I'm going to learn a little more about all this - I do enjoy doing my research, after all. But as soon as I figure things out so I have a solid game plan, I will write it in here. Until then, I'm going to enjoy eating as well as enjoying the knowledge that sometime in the next couple of weeks, I'm going to begin the juice fast that I know is going to change my life.

Weight Loss - Making the Shift Inside

Greetings,

Well, I did not eat vegetarian today, but I did eat mindfully. I didn't overeat. I made a relatively normal breakfast for my honey and I, with egg sandwiches and microwave bacon (recently discovered! GREAT discovery! It's so easy to make, only takes about 25 seconds to cook, and it's so thinly sliced and non-greasy - at least when compared with normal bacon - that it only works out to about 70 calories for 4 slices!) We actually ate these pretty late, around 10:30 this morning, so we just kind of skipped right over lunch. I nibbled on some grapes and then made dinner kind of early in the evening, using ground turkey instead of ground beef and saving a lot of fat in the process. I had one serving and I did not overeat. I'm pretty proud about that.

I'm proud of my honey too. He's still sick, and I'm sure he would have loved to have spent a third day in bed. But I really thought that it would be good for him to stay up as much as possible today - to kind of take a stand with this thing and try to have as normal a day as he could while taking it easy. He really needs to work tomorrow. He's already missed one day with this thing - and it was a day when he would have made time and a half pay, so that hurt. And it sucks even more because everyone in the house was sick with this last month already and we really don't need round 2 of it. His case was milder than some of ours so maybe that's why he got it again. I just hope I don't. I've had ENOUGH.

One thing I rediscovered with him spending two days in bed sick, is that I really miss my "me time." The ex and I have made a practice of largely ignoring each other for quite a number of years. It wasn't hostile in any way. Mostly it's that we weren't really in love - so we didn't have that whole "need to be romantic together THING" - and we are both pretty introverted, so we would just naturally get lost in our own activities although we were generally still in each other's presence - usually sharing an office while on different computers.

My honey, though, he and I are definitely in love. And after all the time we spent apart (I guess I really need to fill you all in on our story at some point) we treat our time together as something that is just about on par with sacred. Yes, we will spend time with us each doing our own thing on the computer - but we also want to spend time together. Often it is watching one of our favorite shows. Or it's sharing favorite movies with each other. Or often, it's talking, or reading together, or having adventures out in the world. Whatever we do, we have a lot of fun and focus a lot of attention on each other.

I love it. I really and truly do. He is the love of my life and although I've never believed in them before, I also think he could very well be my "split-apart" - my true spirit half. I do not regret spending my time with him. I waited 30 years for him, after all!

But, I also really need to find a way for me time. After all, it's not just him making demands on my time. I also have the ex that loves to talk with me throughout the day. And my daughter that I love so much. And various friends that always seem to want or need my attention. And I love all of them dearly and want to be there for them. So I tend to, all too often, drop whatever it is I'm doing to focus on them. And while that's all fine and well, it also means that I don't get enough time to just BE and to focus on my own pursuits. And THAT sucks. I need to find a way to get the me time I need without apology or feeling guilty about it.

For example, yesterday at the grocery store my friend A. called me. She is my spirit sister and matters very much to me. But lately, she's called practically on a daily basis because she was dealing with a pretty serious crisis in her life. And now she has a man in her life that is becoming a romantic interest - her first in years - and she is just kind of going bat shit over that. So she called me while I was in the store, so she could yak yet again about this guy. I answered because she matters to me and it might have been important. But it was an intrusion. I was shopping. And on the phone with her, I couldn't see my grocery list I had put in my phone. Fortunately, I remembered everything I needed and was off the phone before hitting the check out stand, but still.

So today, just as I had sat down to eat the above mentioned egg sandwich and bacon this morning, she called again. She was having a possible health crisis. Wanted my support and wanted me to look up something on the internet for her. So I put my food aside and looked things up and talked her through but I can't say I wasn't a bit resentful about it. I was. But what do you do? I mean, she needed me. She was scared and alone and I am her closest friend. So I got off the line with her and I ate and I spent time with my honey and because it was the first day in three that he's been up and around, I focused on him and I sat here watching shows with him pretty much all day. We are working our way (Netflix) the seasons of Sex and the City (me sharing with him - just started season 2) and Northern Exposure (him sharing with me - just started season 3) and we watched both discs we had sitting here today. That's - count them - SIX episodes of Sex and the City and FOUR episodes of Northern Exposure. And it was fun and enjoyable and he managed to stay up all day and we had a nice time together. And of course, in that time we were also doing laundry and talking and I made dinner and we ate. Still...that's a LOT of TV watching today. And when I'm doing that, I can't write. I can't really even have an independent thought. And A. also called back again after having a doctor appointment to let me know how it went.

Tonight, just as I started to write, another friend who is dear to me sent me some pictures. This woman is a KICK ASS photographer, and she sent me pictures she's feeling very "chesty" about. She also texted me to see what I was doing. She loves to share her pictures with me. I appreciate her artist's eye and relate to it in a way that most in her life don't. So she really loves sharing her work with me and I love seeing it. And we spend time talking about it and we often see the same interesting things in the pictures. It's great fun. But...I had just started writing. And I need time for me too, damn it. I matter too. My desire to write matters too. My goals matter too. I can't only be there for other people all the time.

It's hard to not feel guilty about it though.

Okay - tomorrow I HAVE to work from 11 to 2 pm. My honey works 9:30 to 5:00, so he'll be leaving here around 9. I would really like to work on my book tomorrow but I just don't see that happening. Especially since I need to start working on some legal paperwork. What will most likely happen is that I will get him off to work and then talk to P, my photographer friend - if she can talk that early - and see these pictures she's so chesty about. And then I'll work my three hour shift. And then I'll work another of my jobs for at least an hour. And then I'll work on legal paperwork for an hour or two. And then it will be time to fix dinner. And then eat. And be there for my honey since he may not be doing so good after having to work sick. And before I know it, the evening will be over and I'll have to head to bed and maybe I will have gotten to do some writing and maybe not. Maybe I'll get to get some exercise in and maybe not. It really is a struggle, though. It's a situation I really need to get more of a handle on.

Maybe I should just keep a journal for a week or two - you know, kind of like a food diary. But this one would just state what I am doing with my time each hour of the day - for my own information. I think Google has some sort of program I can do that with. I knew the name of it at one point. Hmmm...damn, I just searched and I am not coming up with it. But no matter, I can just write it down in notepad and then make it into a spreadsheet if I want to. I think that it's time that I analyze this situation better. Time to put my OCD self to work. lol

Wish me luck with THAT.

Goodnight. :)

An Almost-Vegetarian Day

Well, today was pretty cool. :) Well, okay, not quite cool since my honey was sick in the bed for the second day with some hard hitting case of the flu. His second clash with it in a month. I feel bad for him. Hoping tomorrow he will feel a bit better.

But - it was a cool day in another way. This was an almost vegetarian day.

Me and my honey live with my ex and our daughter. I know that it will sound odd to most people out there. After all, we live in a world where, if you want to divorce someone, it must mean that you can't stand that person. How on earth could you continue to share a home with them, let alone have a NEW relationship with someone else right in front of them? But my ex and I have always been friends first - and we care deeply about each other in that way. We want each other to be happy. He really likes my fiance. They get along great. And my daughter gets to live in a harmonious situation with laughter and love and both of her parents present and getting along great. So don't even think about judging it. ;)

Since my honey was in bed sick this morning, and the rest of us all needed to run to the store for various reasons, we headed out this morning together. We decided to get a bite to eat at Golden Corral first so we didn't overspend at the store by going there hungry. It was still breakfast when we arrived - about an hour away from lunch.

I looked around at all the breakfast offerings and then I opted for an omelet with spinach, tomato, mushroom and cheese. It was DELICIOUS! I had some hash browns with it and some very very under-ripe cantaloupe - so disappointing.

I was still hungry so I went back up and at that point, the fried chicken caught my eye and I couldn't help myself. Not healthy, I know, but it was just one piece, along with a small portion of mashed potatoes and some corn. No dessert. That was tough though. That chocolate cream pie was screaming at me.

We went to the store after and I got some Morningstar Farms Buffalo Wings, which I haven't tried yet. I also got some Morningstar Farms Crumbles, spaghetti sauce, spaghetti, cheesy garlic bread, and a few other things we needed. Like dog food. My puppies were about to be hungry puppies. (Not really puppies but they are little dogs and just over a year old, so...you know. :) )

I made the spaghetti tonight. The ex and my honey both knew it wasn't real meat. My ex is a really picky eater, but he dealt with it. My honey has eaten a lot of vegetarian food since his sons are vegetarian and vegan respectively. He thought it was delicious. So did I. My daughter seemed to like it too, and she was the only one that may or may not have realized that it was vegetarian. I didn't hide the fact but I didn't broadcast it either.

The interesting thing to me tonight is that, except for one chicken breast, I had no meat today. I'm not sitting here ready to gnaw off my hand with hunger. Nor am I overly full and feeling ashamed. I just kind of feel good. I had two delicious meat free meals today and I really didn't need the chicken I had. I don't know that I will ever fully embrace vegetarianism. I really don't have an issue with eating meat. (although the INDUSTRY blows). Ideally, I would love to limit my meat consumption enough to save money and be healthier and when I do buy meat, buy it from organic sources. Where it had the chance to roam and play in the sun and eat grass and all of the other things that those critters are supposed to do. We all die. It doesn't bother me that the circle of life is such that everything feeds everything else. But I want the food I eat to be healthy and happy and grass fed and free.

It's probably my imagination, but I swear that I feel somehow lighter in spirit today. I am definitely intrigued. :)

Blessings!

Greetings!

Okay, it's been a while since my last update but considering I've had, maybe, two readers in that time period, I suppose I'm not too concerned. I still have time to get in the flow of doing this right. And I am working on that. :)

I'm not really sure why I struggle so hard with this. I really need to figure it out. I really do want to lose weight, but I'm starting to ask myself if I really believe I CAN. I thought I did. After all, once upon a time I lost 60 lbs. I was really clicking along.

But I was also starting to slip and I knew it. When I injured myself, I was getting ready to get myself back on track that day - but then I injured my leg and didn't walk for 10 months and everything went downhill. I'm still - 11 years later - dealing with the repercussions of that. Including how weak I am - weakest of my life - and how heavy. I need to do something about this.

I really need and want to get back on track. I want this weight off while I'm still young enough to enjoy my life. I want to feel strong and healthy before I'm old and gray. If I even make it to old and gray carrying around so much unnecessary and unhealthy weight. I really do want this. I need to find my way to it. It's time.

I know that one of my biggest issues and worries is that I'm weak. I'm afraid to go take a walk around the block by myself because I'm so weak and so heavy that I'm afraid of my knee giving out or of someone messing with me and hurting me or of having a heart attack with no one around to even notice until it's too late. Okay, probably not the last one. My heart is very strong. But the other two things are very real concerns. And those fears are enough to keep me trapped in the house.

But I can start with basic exercises and weight train with free weights. I can do leg lifts for my hips and sit ups and leg lifts for my abs. I can work my biceps and triceps and back muscles and shoulders. I can work on projects to get me standing and walking around the house more often and I can work the principals I'm learning as I listen to the Excuses Begone!: How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits
series of audiotapes by Dr. Wayne Dyer. (Link provided is for the book - these audiotapes were part of a PBS fund drive package and I didn't seem them listed at Amazon. I'm sorry.)  He says, "Contemplate yourself surrounded by the circumstances you wish to produce." So I am doing that as well. I'm contemplating how it might feel to live inside a healthy, thin, strong body. I'm contemplating how good it would feel and taste to eat good healthy fresh food and have little to no contact with junk food and loads of sugar. I am contemplating myself feeling good again. Feeling strong again. You know what feeling I really miss? I miss feeling the power in my legs when hiking up a hill or peddling up a hill on my bike - standing up on the pedals off the seat. I miss that so much. It wasn't easy and it made me out of breath - but I loved feeling strong like that. I want that again. At least whatever version of it I can get, depending on how much my knees heal.

I want to get into cooking. I said that before. You know, I bought all the stuff to make two recipes but then I never actually made those recipes. I need to do something about that, too. I would like to start blogging the recipes - showing pictures. Not just recipes from that book - the Biggest Loser Family Cookbook - but from others too. I want to start trying out vegetarian recipes too. I want to build a new personal cookbook full of recipes that we all like and that are really good for us. The more vegetarian, the better. I want to try some of that fake meat stuff and see how good it is. I want to treat this as the new adventure that it is. I want to have fun with it.

I started taking inventory of my kitchen yesterday. I only managed to document all the food contents of one cupboard so far, but it's a start. I want to document everything (which also gives me a chance to clean out old food that really shouldn't be in the house) and use that to figure out healthy foods and less than healthy foods and then also plan meals with what I have on hand and build a grocery list and generally get working in the right direction with food planning. Which of course will not only make for better quality meals but also will save money on the grocery bill.

I would also love to get back into baking. I think it would be fun to try some of the many recipes I have for dessert items that are supposedly low calorie, yet wonderfully tasty. I miss baking. And learning to bake things that were wonderful and healthy would be - well - awesome! :)

I am also thinking about creating a blog about my creative side. I make jewelry and other items with polymer clay. It's a lot of fun and I get a great deal of enjoyment out of it. I am always looking for other ways to be creative, as well, and am particularly interested in ways that we can recycle trash into art. A blog dedicated to all my arts and crafts projects would be a lot of fun - and give me yet one more link to my Etsy and Facebook pages. (I will post them here, too, after I have built things to where I feel ready for that.)

So, yeah, sounds like I'm gaining a little bit of direction here. :) That's good. Keep it up, woman!

Contemplate yourself surrounded by the circumstances you wish to produce.

Contemplate yourself surrounded by the circumstances you wish to produce.

Contemplate yourself surrounded by the circumstances you wish to produce.

People Trip Me Out

Greetings!

Okay, I missed updating yesterday. I was out of town most of the day, visiting family, and I just didn't get to it. But I thought about it and I was mindful of my eating yesterday. And, well, no one is reading this yet anyway. lol I know, no excuse.

But I'm here today, writing a quick message before I eat my lunch. Well, sort of brunch since I haven't eaten yet and it's now 11:40 AM. I know, I should have eaten breakfast. I didn't. I just wasn't hungry until now.

People trip me out sometimes. Even the ones that want other people to be open minded with them - can still be so close minded themselves. I remember this gay bar I used to sing karaoke in - me and some of my friends made friends with a pre-op transgender woman. She was pretty clumsy with her make up and overall look first, but she drank in all the advice we gave her and really started looking pretty great. But our table was the only table that didn't act like she was some kind of a joke. They were all fine with all their drag queen friends, but a person coming to realize that she was actually a female and doing something about it - that was too uncomfortable for them to deal with. It made me angry. One day, I didn't see her anymore. She was a truckdriver for a living and I have worried about her more than once. I hope she is okay and happy out there in the world.

I recently had a friend tell me that she won't be coming to my wedding because she doesn't like someone else that will be there. Whatever happened to politely ignoring someone you don't like? I mean, really?

And another friend on a social networking site informed all her "political friends" that if they talk politics, she will put their messages on invisible status. I have to wonder, is that the ones that only talk politics? Or anyone who even MENTIONS it. Because I'm sorry, politics are part of life and there are ways to discuss issues without being obnoxious. And there are important things going on in the world today. Like the Occupy movement. It's a good thing to at least be SORT OF informed. It just trips me out. People talk about all kinds of things there...things that interest me...things that don't. I read the stuff I want and kind of filter out the rest. I've never thought of just ignoring everything a friend has to say, though, because occasionally they say something I'm less than pleased with. What kind of friendship is that? And yet, I know she didn't mean any anomousity in her statement. But still...it's just so bizarre.

People just trip me out sometimes. People in my own life included. Sometimes especially. That's the biggest reason I'm posting this relatively anonymously. At least here in the beginning. I tend to want to talk about and write about the things I see around me. I want to speak the truth of my life. But that inevitably leads to someone getting offended. And that just SUCKS. I love the people in my life and I really don't want my truths or opinions to offend them. Generally when I talk about things, it's more from the point of view of trying to figure things out or at least express my thoughts about them as part of the overall human condition. I really don't make much of a practice of judging people. I tend to think we are all basically doing our best and we all fuck up along the way, including me, and the best way for us to learn and grow and become is just to cotton to the fact that we sometimes do some odd stuff along the way and there's nothing wrong with examining that stuff sometimes. That's how we learn.

My Honey is off the next couple of days so I hope to do some shopping so I can begin working my way through the recipes in Biggest Loser Family Cookbook: Budget-Friendly Meals Your Whole Family Will Love. I'm pretty excited about that. One of my goals today is to pick at least five recipes to try.

Time to work and earn my keep. :)

Blessings,

Cheryl

Fresh Start Number 575,003

I am a 47 year old woman who has had a lifelong battle with my weight. I have tried every diet imaginable (okay, maybe not imaginable - people do some crazy shit in search of the "magic button of weight loss", but you get my drift) and still, at age 47, I top the scale at a good old 360 lbs.

ACK!!

But you know what? I am going to change this. I'm not exactly sure exactly how I'm going to exactly do that, but (putting on my best Scarlett O'Hara voice here) "as God is my witness, I am going to change this!"

Hmm, maybe I should be more clear. After all, hitting 400 lbs would be a change, but not the kind I am wanting.

I am going to lose this weight.
I am going to strengthen my muscles.
I am going to improve my balance and flexibility.
I am going to eat a wonderful diet of tasty wholesome foods.
I am going to be a beautiful bride in September, regardless of my size. But, the smaller the better.
And ultimately, after I have reached the size and level of physical fitness I am wanting - me and my fiance would like to audition for The Amazing Race.

I LOVE The Amazing Race. I watched it from the very beginning, although I did miss a few seasons in the middle when I kind of went off TV for a bit. But it is such an awesome show and I know it would be an incredible experience. As much as I hate to fly, I'm willing to do it for that show. That's saying a lot. Trust me on that one. lol

I also watch, and love, The Biggest Loser. I hear a lot of people on there say that they feel like they've wasted so much of their lives being fat. I don't feel I've wasted mine. My weight has never stopped me from finding a relationship - and I am living the greatest love story EVER these days. I gave birth to two healthy and beautiful children. My daughter was born at home. I'm healthy and rarely get sick. I'm smart, love to learn, love to play games on the internet, have many friends and many interests and I just LOVE to go out for karaoke and art events.

But, my knees hurt all the time. Walking is more difficult for me all the time, because I walk less and less. I avoid stairs as much as humanly possible and when I have to go down them, I am terrified. Doing the simplest of household chores is difficult. Some of them are nearly impossible to do. I get them done by paying my 14 year old daughter to do them. Yes, chores are good for her. Yes, she loves earning extra money above her normal allowance for her normal chores. But that's not the point. The point is that I can't do them. And that's bullshit.

It's time to change this. I would like to be able to dance at my wedding with my Beloved. I would like to feel strong and capable and lighter on my feet. I want myself back.

I need to baby step this. That much is certain. Every time I start again, I try to do too much too fast and I end up crashing and burning in a big way. But I have to get the spiral going in the right direction again. It is important.

I'm pretty good at working on little goals that I set for myself, so I think I'm going to start with that. :) One thing I definitely need to get better about is my eating. I mean, I don't eat horribly. But I eat enough of the wrong stuff to pretty much maintain my weight. That has to stop. My problem is, I get bored because healthy eating, to me, means eating certain things that, yes, are delicious. But there are OTHER things I also love - things like chicken pot pie, for instance - and eventually I just have to have one of them. And then I want more and more. So, I really need to figure out some more variety of delicious and healthy foods to eat. Then even if I can't figure out good variations on those recipes I love, I could at least have them even less than I do now. I really need to awaken my love of cooking so I can rely less on convenience foods too.

I loved the book and movie, "Julie and Julia" and I would like to do something similar. I joined The Biggest Loser Club for their trial offer of 3 months for $39. Pretty cool, actually. :) It comes with three books, one of which is Biggest Loser Family Cookbook: Budget-Friendly Meals Your Whole Family Will Love. It looks pretty great from what I've seen so far. And I would like to actually TRY the recipes in it, instead of doing what I usually do with cookbooks and setting them on a shelf all together, never to be touched again. So, I'm going to do some plotting and planning and proper shopping soon and work my way through the recipes in this book and let you all know what I think of them along the way. :)

Okay, so that's one goal. There are two more that I am going to set. One is that I want to drink at least 2 water bottles full of water each day. My water bottle is a liter. So that's at least 2 liters a day. Good goal. And the last goal is that I want to write in my blog every day, even if it's just to open it up and say, "yup, I'm still here and today has been on track or off track or whatever." I need to get in the habit of this again.

Okay, so water, blog, and as soon as possible, start working my way through the recipes in Biggest Loser Family Cookbook: Budget-Friendly Meals Your Whole Family Will Love. Yes, this sounds doable.

Blessed Be,

Cheryl